I don’t get drunk, I get awesome

From time to time, or several times a week, people indulge their good spirits with some good spirits. Being that I am in my twenties, I am more on the several times a week end of the spectrum. Drinking can lead to great times and good conversation, or to tears and smudged mascara. I think this predominantly depends on who you are drinking with, but that’s just my opinion. Which is why I like to say “I don’t get drunk, i get awesome.” I personally find myself to be wonderful when drunk (others may disagree). When sober, I find myself not talking to many people and not having the best of times. My friends refer to this as me being awkward or shy. Which is entirely false. I just don’t like stupid people. So instead of joining in on some ignorant conversation and eventually making a bitchy, sarcastic comment that will most likely offend whoever is speaking I just sit there and look at funny Buzzfeed articles while everyone deems me as unsocial. When I am drunk however, this all changes. I jump right into all these conversations and let my sarcastic comments fly. Thankfully, when I am sarcastic, and in some ways bitchy, I am usually quite funny. People that had written me off as a snob earlier in the evening are asking for my number and adding me as a friend on Facebook. It bewilders my friends. They are all like “what the fuck, he said he didn’t like you and that you were giving him bitchy looks all night and now he wants to take you to dinner?” That my friends is the power of this amazing liquid called alcohol. Five beers and four Fireball shots later, and I am the most well-liked person in the bar. Suddenly I know the owner, and the owner’s cousin visiting from Memphis, and I am signed up to sing karaoke to “I’ve Got Friends In Low Places.” Next thing you know I am secretly pushing balls in the pockets of a pool table to help out some guy having a really rough game. Then I am outside in a freestyle battle because I told everyone I could rap and my dog’s name is Biggie Smalls (which sounds hardcore, and he is a badass…pomeranian). When I am drunk the possibilities are endless and the night will most likely be wonderful (followed by some not so wonderful photos to be discovered on my phone the next day). So to all you fabulous drinking buddies out there, kudos to you. Your friends are lucky to have such an extraordinary lush in their lives, never let them tell you differently. And the next time somebody shouts out “Man, you’re drunk..” respond with “I don’t get drunk, I get awesome” then precede to take that flaming tequila shot and many, many more. 

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Things you’ll encounter in Texas

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Everyone has heard the phrase “Everything’s bigger in Texas,” and that my friends is including the egos. Texans are the proudest residents in the entire world, and they will not hesitate to show it. This is coming from a girl who has lived here her entire life, Texas is one unique state and there’s not another like it. If you are planning a visit, you might want to prepare yourself for the following…

  1. Cowboys fans: Ah yes.. the proud supporters of “America’s” team. Unfortunately these fans can not be contained to the Dallas area. While visiting Texas, you’re destined to encounter many of them, no matter what area you venture to. Do not start any sort of football argument with these guys. No matter how many horrible seasons they’ve had, or how many interceptions Romo has thrown, they will argue to the death that they are the best team in the NFL.
  2. Hatred for “Yankees”: No I am not referencing the baseball team. Texans use the term “Yankees” to describe anyone that essentially is not from Texas. Say you’re from Iowa and you are wearing dress shoes to a Texas bar…Yankee. You’re from DC and you’re a Democrat (GOD FORBID)…Yankee. And the worst of worst, those Yankees from New York City. The majority of Texans hate New York. I have been twice and absolutely love it, but I am not the majority. When I told my father I wanted to move there after college he looked like he was going to shit a brick. “New Yorkers are rude MFer’s” – my dad (and just about every other Texan) “Dad you have never even been there” -Me. Just a warning for those of you who say “you guys” be prepared to hear a flux of Texan shit
  3. Weather: I would give you packing advice, but that is virtually impossible. You have probably heard about the bipolar Texas weather…it’s no joke. One day you’ll be basking in the sunshine out by the pool in perfect 95 degree weather. The next day you’ll be whipping out your Uggs and fleece jacket. It literally is ridiculous. So pack a variety of items, and bring a little extra cash incase you need to go shopping (who knows you might need to go buy a swim suit in the middle of December).
  4. Cowboy boots: The most universal shoe in the world in the mind of a Texan. Going out to dinner, strap your boots on. Going to a football game, pull on some boots. Going to a wedding, boots. Funeral, boots. This is no joke. Cowboy boots are deemed appropriate for every occasion in the book and while traveling through Texas you will see many of them (in many colors and varieties).
  5. Tex-mex: One of my favorite things about Texas. The mexican food here is to die for. Literally. If you like mexican food you will love Texas. From chain restaurants to hole-in-the-walls you can pull in just about anywhere and eat some pure, unhealthy deliciousness. Tacos, queso, fajitas, enchiladas..take your pick. They are delightfully cheesy, greasy and wonderful.
  6. Animals: Cows, deer, raccoons, armadillo, snakes, horses, you name it. Animals are all over the place. In your drive way, under your car, side of the highway, in front of Walmart…literally, everywhere. Be prepared.
  7. Longhorns or Aggies: No matter where you go in Texas you are going to meet Longhorn and Aggie fans. In case you’re unaware, the two do not get along. I can safely say that a good 80% of the people you meet that are die hard Longhorn or Aggie fans did not attend either college. They will yell “hook em'” or “gig em'” just yell something back like “hell yea” and precede with your day.
  8. Texas women: I guess I have a somewhat biased opinion on the subject, but basically we are badasses. Texas women will drink you under a table, dance the entire night away, drive a truck, grill some steaks, shoot a gun, bait a hook, scream their head off at the television during a football game and still look classy as hell. Like I said… I am slightly biased on the matter, but if you meet a Texas woman I don’t think you’ll have many complaints.

This list could easily be continued, but I am just hitting you with the basics. Hope you find yourself better prepared for all the chaos Texas has to offer. Now keep calm & carry on y’all.

-AMH

All the single ladies…

Does being single ever give you a sense of self satisfaction? To be surrounded by relationships and to continue being happy alone is an ultimate achievement. I look at my life and think “way to go self, way to be independent”. To succumb to loneliness is not an option. I like to think of myself as a feminist, as well as being extremely argumentative. No, I am not always right. But I like to think that I am more right than most. I also am not opposed to relationships, but have out grown rushing into them, or settling for someone who is evidently the wrong someone. I have watched my friends get into and out of the most atrocious relationships, and I am always there to pick up the pieces. I try to contain the “I told you so’s” but with each failed relationship they experience, it gets harder and harder to do. I often wonder why women deal with all the for lack of better words bullshit that men put them through. I am not saying all relationships are bad, and I know that none are perfect, but most of the relationships I have witnessed in my life are just plain pitiful. I think women in today’s society lower their expectations because the “true gentlemen” of the world are perceivably hard to find. To tolerate cheating and fighting and lying and games is to be stuck in a 7th grade drama fest that you never really got out of. The phrase says “live and learn” not “live and learn and repeat all your previous stupid mistakes.” So in summary, cheers to all you single girls out there, who do not care about having a ring on their finger by the time they graduate college. Keep doing your thing ladies. You are creating your own future and love will find you in good time. Unless you do not want it to, then kudos to you! Snuggle up with your dog, pour yourself a glass of pinot noir, and enjoy all the wonderful joys of being forever strong and single.

grump cat

-AMH